An old Irishman walks into a bar, hauls his bad leg over the stool, and asks for a whiskey. "Hey," he says, looking down the bar, "is that Jesus down there?" The bartender nods, so the Irishman orders Jesus one too. An ailing Italian with a humpback walks in, shuffles up to the bar, and asks for a glass of Chianti. Noticing Jesus, the Italian orders Him a glass of Chianti too. A redneck swaggers in and hollers, "Barkeep, set me up a cold one! Heyis that Gods Boy down there?" The bartender nods, so the redneck orders Him a bottle of beer. As Jesus gets up to leave, He touches the Irishman and says, "For your kindness, you are healed!" The Irishman jumps up and dances a jig. Then Jesus touches the Italian and says, "For your kindness, you are healed!" The Italians humpback straightens, and he does a flip. Just then the redneck yells, "Dont touch me! Im drawing disability!"
A beautiful, voluptuous woman goes to the gynecologist. The doctor takes one look at the woman and all of his professionalism goes out the window. He immediately asks her to undress. After she has disrobed, the doctor begins stroking her thigh. "Do you know what Im doing?" he asks. "Yes," she replies. "Youre checking for any abrasions or abnormalities." "Thats right," says the doctor. Emboldened, he then begins to fondle her breasts. "Do you know what Im doing now?" "Youre checking for any lumps or breast cancer," she replies. "Correct," says the doctor. Deciding to go for broke, he mounts her and begins having sex with her. "Do you know what Im doing now?" "Yes," she says. "Youre getting herpeswhich is what I came here about in the first place."
A guy walks into a bar and sees a sign that reads hamburger: $1; cheeseburger: $2; hand job: $10. He beckons to an attractive blonde behind the counter. Can I help you? she asks with a knowing smile. I was wondering, whispers the man. Are you the one who gives the hand jobs? Yes, she purrs. I am. Well, wash your hands, he says. I want a cheeseburger.
A man walks into his doctors office after having taken several tests to learn the results. The doctor asks the man to sit down. I have some bad news for you, Mr. Phillips. I am afraid that you have cancer and Alzheimers disease. The man replies, Well, at least I dont have cancer.
A guy starts a new job, and his boss says, If you marry my daughter, Ill make you a partner and give you a $1 million salary. The guys puzzled, until he sees a picture of the girlshes hideous. But he accepts, figuring the moneys worth it, and they get married. A year later the guys up on a ladder hanging a picture and yells to his wife, Bring me my hammer. She mumbles, Get the hammer, get the hammer, and grudgingly fetches the hammer. The guy says, Hand me the nails. She mumbles, Get me some nails, get me some nails, and does so. The guy starts hammering, hits his thumb, and yells, Ow! Fuck me! She shuffles off, mumbling, Get the bag, get the bag
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